Wrestling with Our Inner Angels and Inner Demons We Encounter our Common Humanity

1 05 2011

Wrestling with Our Inner Angels and Inner Demons We Encounter Our Common Humanity

It’s a broken world. Full of broken people. One popular song attests, “love is the only house big enough for all the pain in the world”.

I have chronic arthritis in the RIGHT hip. It is with me always. Sometimes every step brings with it stabbing pain. Other times it’s just a mild interference. I’ve tried a multitude of supplements. I frequent an acupuncturist monthly. Intermittently I’ve tried aqua-exercise, Tai Chi, Yoga or various stretches. Doctors told me several years ago that I would need a hip replacement within 12-18 months.

Ironically, my houseboat has severe damage on its right side (i forget the nautical term). The hull is cracked, the protective guard has been stripped away and sections of the right wall are damaged. Last year the (same) right side incurred damage that required it be extracted from the water and repaired. It was out of commission for a month.

My 2000 VW Euro-van camper retains several injuries to it’s right side; one on the front fender from hitting a deer two years ago and another to the rear tail light and right rear bumper from backing into a guard rail. The right (passenger side) door is broken and has been jimmy rigged to open with the aid of shoe laces and a bottle opener.

My other vehicle, a 2000 Sebring Convertible, has a smashed right front fender as well as a severely dented right rear fender, incurred from various negligences of mine. I got a dent guy to at least pop out the rear fender so that it doesn’t look so heinous.

Added to all that, there are broken relationships: Divorce after a 30 year marriage. Ignoble ending of a 10 year business enterprise. Relational fallout and disenfranchisement within my community of business associates and friends from the foregoing.

Then there is life: Getting old. Accrued disappointments. Dissipated visions and dreams. The general unmanageability of life. Financial uncertainties and pressures. All the freakin’ details! It’s really too much. It’s like herding cats. Trying to get all my ducks in a row.

If I had my way, I would build a metaphorical kingdom where everything functioned relatively well and without much maintenance. People would get along and like me. I’d get my way most of the time. I would have more than enough money, food, friends, amusements, indulgences. I would be well defended against interruptions, danger or crisis. I would live without care in relative ease. After all, that’s the American Dream.

My suspicion though is that God prefers me connected to the world, connected to other broken people, connected to my own humanity.

I’ve wrestled with a host of inner demons and inner angels. I’m on a first name basis with most of them. Some have become pretty good friends.

Self acceptance, inner peace and occasional happiness have been hard won. The battles have left me scarred and with a permanent limp… on the RIGHT side.